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My 16th Year Reunion Anniversary

December 22, 2011

Today marks the 16th Anniversary since I first met my birth mother in person. I was twenty-five at the time. I remember vividly flying into the airport in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Going through customs felt tedious and I could barely hold my anticipation of hugging her for the first time.

After clearing customs, I went through terminal doors to the main lobby. I saw her for the first time and made her pause so I could take a picture the moment before we embraced. We then hugged each other, and it felt unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life. The opportunity to hold and touch someone I was biologically related to for the first time is quite a phenomenonal feeling. And in most cases, only adoptees who have had a physical reunion with someone can really understand or relate to what I’m attempting to describe.

That night we talked, shared photos, stories, ate our first meal together (a Boston Royal pizza from Boston Pizza–my personal favorite). The night felt very fulfilling and we didn’t want it to end. We stayed in adjoining rooms at a hotel in Calgary. I wanted the chance to try to get to know her before I met the rest of her family.

 I remember awaking in the night and going to her room as part of me felt the need for reassurance that she was still there. I felt scared and nervous inside but I also felt a sense of completeness that I had been missing for much of my life.

As I write this tonight, I feel sad, angry and somewhat bewildered. How did things turn so sour between us? Why do we not have contact anymore? And the most nagging question “Should I make contact with her tonight” (or is it even worth the risk)? My head says to hold off making contact because, intellectually, I know the potential pitfalls of what may happen if I call her.

Impulsively, a nagging feeling in me still wants contact but a price comes with it. That price is that the reality is, my “fantasy” version of my birth mother bears little resemblence of my “real” birth mother. I need to remember that in order to maintain my distance and some form of serenity between her and I.

I will thank her in my mind and my heart for the gift of life and for her agonizing choice and sacrifice to relinquish me. I know deep down in my soul that was the path that was meant for me to take. I don’t know what the future will hold between us, but that is something I cannot, and will not burden myself with. For today, I am okay and I will get through this.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday everybody. God Bless.

 

Daryn

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One Comment
  1. Hi Daryn,

    I have been reading your posts and I too have been through the some of the strange combinations of emotions that you describe. Quite a few months have passed since your last post so I’m guessing if you had made that decision you would have written about it. Perhaps there is such a thing as closure and then you can move on. I am certainly not at that point so I don’t have any answers for your dilemma of whether to re-initiate your connection or not.

    My story is very different –I tried to make contact earlier in my life, but was rejected. Now my birth mother has dementia and doesn’t know who I am so I am able to visit her as a friend. Definitely not the storybook reunion for sure!

    Anyway, I wish you luck with your journey and I wanted you to know that I’m glad you’ve shared your story. I think many of us are out there who benefit from hearing some realistic views.

    thanks
    Elizabeth

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